I’m Not The Girl Who…

I’m not that girl. I’m not the girl who is comfortable in her skin. I’m not the girl who wears a bra and a skirt on a night out. I’m not the girl who will take a picture of herself for profile pictures. I’m not the girl who is arrogant. I’m not the girl who’s ever had a photography shoot. I’m not the girl who looks awesome on a morning. I’m not the girl who looks awesome on an evening. I’m not the girl who is from a crazy cool family. I’m not the girl who is from a rich family. I’m not the girl who is confident about her body. I’m not the girl who has awesome stories to tell about how wild she is. I’m not the girl with wild friends. I’m not the girl who can deal with the stories of strip clubs. I’m not the girl who can deal with the amount of porn you watch.

I am the girl from a normal family.

I am the girl who has a lovely, but very normal life.

I am the girl who looks pretty some days and completely average on others.

I am the girl who feel sad when she stands next to beautiful people.

I am the girl who feels like crying when you look at other people in that way.

I am the girl who is happy with who she is.

I am the girl who likes cats, soft things and baking.

I am the girl who is kind to others.

I am the girl whose life will fall if you hurt me.

I am the girl who will forever doubt herself if you cheat on me.

I am the girl who is worried you wont find me attractive in 3 years, in 10 years, in 30 years.

I am the girl who thinks you would have an affair.

I am insecure.

I am delicate.

I am fragile.

I am me.

Pennies, Pajamas and Potential

So here I, sat on my plush quilted throw which is embellished with faux pearls, which I can now no longer afford. I am, as so many of us are in this current mess economic crisis, OUT OF WORK. I took this originally with a pinch of salt as I knew my previous job was only contracted for a year (with the potential for it to be extended, which it so blatantly wasnt). I set myself up for the fall and fell knowingly into the world of unemployment. Had i known at the time of the cesspit I was falling into, I wouldn’t have been so much as descending effortlessly as flailing like a moth with cheese instead of wings.

Now I fully acknowledge that my nearly three weeks of unemployment is nothing compared to the millions of other people who have been penniless,jobless, motivationless for months or even years. However, I am certainly feeling the strain.

To begin with, i embraced my free time. Hey, who wouldn’t. I have to admit, that first Monday which I woke and knew I could remain in my ever so stylish Captain Jack Sparrow pajamas all day, I certainly felt smug. Yes I did.

Fast forward 16 days later, and my current state of self-satisfaction has turned into despair, severe reduction in job expectations and the overwhelming sense that i really should change out of and wash my cool pj’s. My days are as follows: 8am – awake. 8:45-11:30 – job search. 11:30 – 1:30 – Facebook, Ranch Town, Island Paradise and even the depths of Little Rock Pool. 1:30 – Continued Job search. 3:00 – Groom self, walk dog, ride bike/highlight of day.

It is from here that I begin to count the hours till bed OR spend some time in self-reflection. And i shall tell you what, I never come out well when reflecting with myself. I do tend to slip into some depressive state where my face seems to lose all connectivity with any nerves making it capable to smile. This could potentially be some sweet party trick that i can crack out, or I could have a career as a British Beefeater (those army guys in red uniforms with the tall black, fluffy hats) who aren’t allowed to smile. I’m following the wrong career path!!

So as I look at the time and realistically set my bed time for 3 and a half hours time (10:30pm, and even then its still light), I plan my day for tomorrow. Hey, maybe I’ll go steal a new set of pajamas with Keira Knightly on the front.

Speak Soon, Jones.

First Time Laid Bare

I’m 22. I’m female. I’ve been unemployed for exactly 17 days, 8 hours and 1 minute. I have a mane of hair. My friends call me Lion sometimes. I tend to have one person who is really close to me, who knows everything about me, including my flaws. This person tends to be male. I usually put on a happy, sociable, likeable front to everyone else, except this person. This person knows the real me. I’m starting a blog to let people in. To let you in. I have a million voices in my head that wont stop talking and sharing all this with you is going to be something spectacular. I want to share everything with you about my life, from the general what I’ve been doing today, to my humorous and definitely interesting relationships, to the thoughts I have that I think you may also have, but don’t feel like you can say out loud.

I am a happy person, genuinely (this isn’t my front talking, promise). I’m optimistic and when I make myself, I will push myself out of my comfort zone. I love getting to know people and hearing about how they got here. I also love the feeling of bed sheets on my freshly shaved legs. I’m a little odd, and I want you to know that as I need to ‘come out’ as being a little odd, sharing all my thoughts, and letting you in.

My blogs wont be depressive, it will be thoughtful and funny, you have my full permission to laugh at me (i know i laugh at myself enough of the time, including my own jokes!) and I want you to feel like there is someone else out there like you. As happy and as normal most of the time. A bit of a loner at others.

Please read on as I know my blog will be as good for you as it is for me.

Jonesy x